I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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