why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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