He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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