Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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