My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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