you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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