oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
