i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
