You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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