I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Randomize
