apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
