I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
