I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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