You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
