youre lurking in front of me
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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