PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
