The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i've created a new STD.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
