Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
