why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
