I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
