So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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