remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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