OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
