if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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