Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
