C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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