so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
