are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
