I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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