i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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