Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
