We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
