Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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