i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize