No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
