My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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