I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Couch. On fire.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
