And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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