Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
