Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
