woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
