I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
