i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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