Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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