If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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