Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
