Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Couch. On fire.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
