I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
