Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
