Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
