sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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