I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
