Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
