i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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