My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
