you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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