he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
