he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my sisters under your porch take her home
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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