Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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