Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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