I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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