This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
